Bear in the Big Blue House: A Trivial Production
by Fighting-this-War
Summary: A spoof script of this awesome kids' programme. Rated M for mature content, swearing, things that could cause possible offence.


Bear in the big blue house - a trivial production.

Scene 1 [EXT - day]

A big fuzzy brown thing - more commonly known as Bear, stumbles into shot, opening the door with great force - a pink fluffy eye mask hanging from one ear, and an ice bag held in his hand. He looks at the camera, a frown forming on his face.

BEAR: What the-? (pauses as if remembering where he is suddenly) Right…. Yeah it's the kids' day at the house today right?

Camera moves up and down in a nod motion. A tiny grimace appears on his face.

BEAR: Ahhh damn. (Unconsciously moves hand to head and removes the eye mask - pulling it so the elastic snaps in his face) Fuck! (With immense anger, he chucks it on a table conveniently placed in the hallway and chucks the ice pack at it also - when it bounces off, he furiously kicks the table, hurting his foot in the process) oh for fuck's sake!

BEAR turns to look at the doorway, staring down at the camera, fixing a false smile on his face.

BEAR: Well don't just stand there all damn day, get in here before it starts to rain!

Camera moves forward as BEAR begins mumbling something.

BEAR: I guess you'll want something to drink… lemonade, ice tea…

Scene 2 [INT - Day]BEAR's mumbling continues as a quiet pattering becomes audible and a small blue mouse (TUTTER) edges into shot, behind BEAR - a cigarette in his mouth. Seeing BEAR, his eyes pop out and he pulls the smoking fag out of his mouth and squashes it under his foot - burning his toe at the same time.

TUTTER: OUCH! (a small cry that interrupts BEAR's mumbling. BEAR whirls round and spies TUTTER.

BEAR: Where the bloody hell have you been? (he snaps as TUTTER shoves a chewing gum in his mouth and tests his breath not so discretely)

TUTTER: (suddenly aware he is being spoken to) Oh .. Erm… Me and OJO were playing in the backyard.

BEAR: (with a dismissive hand gesture) Yeah I don't care, just sort this kid out with a drink while I go and get me some morphine will ya??

TUTTER looks around with surprise - seeing the small child for the first time. With precision, he raises a tiny blue finger/paw to his mouth in a 'shh' motion.

TUTTER: Sure, sure. What you want boob? (Camera follows TUTTER into the kitchen whilst BEAR disappears upstairs).

Scene 3 [INT - Day]

TUTTER hums away as he rummages various low cupboards and attempts at several jumps onto higher cabinets. He suddenly turns to the camera, hands on hips.

TUTTER: You just gonna stand there all sodding day or you gonna help me up HM?

No one moves so TUTTER shakes his head angrily, a small glass in his hand. He slams it onto the floor and storms out the back door, muttering the word cigarette under his breath.

Camera follows to find him standing outside with a small bear cub OJO, against the bins, the pair sharing cigarettes.

Scene 4 [EXT - Day]

OJO laughs at an unheard joke and TUTTER puffs seductively on his fag, taking long drags and coughing them back out.

OJO looks shiftily around and then digs into a pocket in her fur, producing a small zip lock type bag with green stuff in it.

OJO: Want some of this? (she shows TUTTER the bag, his eyes widen)

TUTTER: Is that-?

OJO: (interrupts) Oh yeah. (before awaiting a firm answer, she starts to roll the weed into a joint.

TUTTER: Fuck yeah!! Hand me the boobie!

OJO stops what she is doing and looks at him before laughing unexpectedly. TUTTER doesn't like this.

TUTTER: What? (he asks with good sport before descending into anger and violence when OJO can't answer for laughing so hard) What the fuck is so funny bitch?

OJO brings a hand up to her chest and breathes hard - calming herself.

OJO: It's DOOBY doofus!! Boobies are what these are!

OJO gestures to her boobs on her chest and TUTTER's eyes widen even more - licking his lip with some sort of anticipation.

TUTTER: Right.. I know .. I just wanted to make ya laugh!! Who's the rat now? (OJO looks at him questioningly) Oh who gives a rat's ass, let's get this shit burning!!!

OJO: That's what I'm talking bout! Jeremiah says this stuff is the dog's shitty bollocks!

TUTTER - somewhat either scared or sceptical, hesitates.

OJO: Unless you're scared knob cheese.

TUTTER: (not wanting to seem like a wimp, nods enthusiastically) let's go for it! (and hands her his lighter with which she proceeds to set alight two spliffs and hands one to her smaller friend)TUTTER clearly has never smoked pot before and tokes it back rather quickly, much to OJO's delight.

TUTTER: Wow this is tough shit! (OJO smiles knowingly)

The pair smoke the spliffs down to an inch in silence and find themselves awkwardly looking around aimlessly.

TUTTER: (nonchalantly) So…. Wanna make out?

OJO: (eager as if he would never ask but sounding casual) Sure.

The pair turn to each other and almost pounce on each other, smashing themselves together.

Scene 5 [INT - DAY]

Back in the kitchen, BEAR is drinking morphine from a power rangers cup. After he drains the cup, he turns to the audience and smiles lopsidedly.

BEAR: Ahhh that's a bit better. Now come on over here and give BEAR a big ole hug! (He leers, a suggestive grin smothering his face)

The camera moves to 'hug' him and pulls back, BEAR has his hands in front of his crutch.

BEAR looks momentarily angry

BEAR: Oh dear! Look what you've done! You've woken up Ursula! Now you'll have to do that thing I taught you to get her back to sleep before she eats you!

The camera, again moves towards BEAR and focuses on his placid face as he rolls his head back, sighing contently.

BEAR: (half a growl, half a moan) yeah that's how it goes. Just like a lollipop.


End file.
